Sunday, September 9, 2012

Wedding hangover

I’m having a wedding hangover today. I didn’t drink though…it’s not about drinking and actually it’s not about food either. It’s about friendship. 

There are a lot of things about my life that I love. My life is full, but there are still some holes. And laughing with my friends from long ago (college) last night has me waking up to the tears this morning that I have that no longer. I don’t mean the drunken nights and stuff like that that comes with college. I mean the friends nearby that I could always count on. 

I no longer have a best friend. Not the kind that we are a couple (of friends) that knows each one has the other’s back through thick and thin. Actually I haven’t had a best friend like that through most of my life. College was about the only time – at the first college I went to I had Deirdre and at Franklin College everyone knew Heather and I were besties. 

And now, well, I have a lot of friends from several walks of life – moms and work colleagues and running buddies and the like – but I don’t have a single person that I think I could call at any time because I’m in tears over something (ps my mom doesn’t count). Thankfully I don’t have those moments often and I think that’s part of why I’ve let it fall to the wayside, but this morning I’m definitely feeling it and instead of talking to my boyfriend who is asleep upstairs, I’m crying on my front porch to whomever might read this. That’s pretty sad.

I feel like I’ve failed. Like I have not been a good enough friend to my college roommate that I miss soooo much and now I’m paying for that. I don’t know how to make this better in my life. I don’t know if Heather and I are still enough of the people we once were to be that kind of friends again, or if I keep searching the friend pool (which is a lot like the dating pool) and waiting to find a soulmate that I click with. I don’t have the answer right now, but I’m going to try to find it. 

If you care, we had ham, green beans, mashed potatoes and Caesar salad at Heather’s wedding last night. I, obviously, skipped the caked.

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